How You May Be Sabotaging Your Mental Health
Congratulations! You have made the brave and potentially life-altering step of getting some counseling. Good for you. But did you know that some very simple things you are doing right now could be sabotaging your progress?
When people come to see me, naturally the focus is on whatever relationship, sexual, or emotional issue they are having. But what I explain to all of my clients is that taking care of their physical health is just as important.
You are spending hundreds of dollars on counseling, but you may be unintentionally sabotaging the entire process. How? By not taking care of your physical health.
Nutrition and exercise are essential to mental health, yet many of you ignore both of these important ways of taking care of yourself. You are eating junk food, or not eating at all, drinking too much alcohol, not taking vitamins and not exercising. Then you come to counseling to say that you feel “depressed.” Of course you do. Your body feels like crap, and because the body and mind are connected, your mind does, too.
Now I’m not saying just eat right and exercise and all of your problems will go away. What I am saying is that treating your psychological issue without taking care of your physical health is like driving a bus with a broken wheel. We may make some progress, but we’re going to go in circles unless we fix that wheel. There is a plethora of studies on how nutrition and exercise affect mental health, heed them! Fix your nutrition and start exercising. See how much better you feel. Or at least do these things while you are in counseling. Then counseling can help you with whatever bad feelings are left.
For more detail on the connections between exercise, nutrition and mental health, visit this previous blog post.
Optimize Your Counseling Dollar
Have you been to a counselor lately? That’s OK…don’t answer out loud. But if you have, or are considering visiting one in the near future, and want to make sure you get the most for your money, this blog post will be of interest.
As a private practitioner, I see many different people with many different types of issues. What most of them have in common, however, is their anxiety about coming to talk to someone. You know, like me. A stranger they have never seen before to whom they are going to reveal their deepest darkest secrets. It’s enough to make anyone nervous. And what do most people do when they are nervous? They talk.
So what usually happens is that once they come into the office, and we sit down, they start talking and don’t stop. Now, that’s fine. We understand you need to get your story out, and we’ve been trained not to interrupt you. However, there is a downside to this that I think you should be aware of. Your counselor probably isn’t going to tell you this, but I will.
When you interrupt us or do not allow us to speak, you are interfering with the counseling process. Which means it will take longer. Which means it will cost you more money.
See, we’re trained listeners, but we’re also trained responders. And, in most cases, it is necessary to have a two-way conversation in order for therapy to be helpful. We can’t just listen to a 40 minute monologue and then respond to the entire thing in 5 minutes. We’re good; but we’re not that good. So what usually happens is we will respond generally to the entire theme of what you are saying, or respond in detail to the last thing you said. Either way, you are missing responses to all the detailed stuff in the middle. Not good. And then you get frustrated because you think we haven’t said much, that we are holding back. And it’s true, but not for the reason you think. It’s that you haven’t allowed us to respond in the way that feels natural to us. The way we were trained.
So, what can you do to improve the chances of success? Allow your counselor to speak. Don’t hold up your hand and tell them to wait until you make your next point. Tell your counselor your story, but allow him or her space to respond. And don’t wait until the last 5 minutes in the session to ask for feedback. We just can’t manage to give you meaningful feedback in such a limited frame. Yes, you are the customer, but you aren’t always right. It is in your own interest to help us help you.
In short, trust your counselor. Don’t try to control the session. We are highly trained and educated, and we’ve done this before. We know what we are doing. And if you don’t trust your counselor, discuss openly with him or her why that is and see if it can be addressed. If not, then find another counselor. The counseling relationship is too important for your success not to.
How Life And Weight Loss Coaches Can Be Bad For Your Health
Look around- life coaches, weight loss coaches, beauty coaches, nutrition coaches…everyone wants to “coach” you on something! And congratulations to you for wanting to improve your life. I’m not here to rain on your parade- I just want to hand you an umbrella so you don’t accidentally get drenched.
See, none of these coaches are regulated by the state when it comes to handling emotional problems. (Did you know that?) That means they have no required training, have passed no standardized test, have not been under supervision, and are not subject to the mental health licensing board’s continuing scrutiny. They are also not bound by a common code of ethics, mandated to take continuing education credits, including boundary issues, heck, I don’t even know if they are required to carry malpractice insurance.
Yet, these people will attempt to help you with your psychological issues. Sure, they will present themselves as “self-esteem” or “relationship” issues, or even “self-defeating thinking.” But do these professionals really know what to do when these common issues have roots that go beyond the weight that won’t come off, or your hesitation in pursuing that advanced degree? What if the roots of these issues were deeper? What if you’ve been told your whole life you were stupid (so you hesitate to improve your education) or that food meant comfort (so you never learned how to cope with depression in a healthy way). Life coaches do not have the intense training and supervision required to gain the advanced skills required to cope with these types of issues.
A few years ago I was on vacation in Utah at a spa. One evening, I was listening to a presentation by a life coach on how to overcome life’s obstacles (or something to that effect). Someone raised their hand and spoke about how hard it’s been to carry on with life since their spouse died last year. Immediately red flags raised in my mind, as they would in any other formally trained clinician. Unfortunately, not so much for the life coach. Instead, the presenter breezily said something to the effect that we must get over the bad things in life to get on with the good. Horrified, I sought out the widow after the talk was over to make sure she was OK. She told me she didn’t appreciate the life coach’s remark, that it was very insensitive and made her feel bad about feeling bad about her loss. I was glad I was there that night, because I was able to briefly explain that people just don’t “get over” a loss that painful, and that it would take a very long time, and did she have support, etc. See what I mean? I’m sure that life coach meant well, but she just hurt somebody by not understanding the limits of her own expertise, and not understanding enough about mental health to know what questions to ask and how to refer! Rather, in her ignorance, she just papered over someone else’s pain. And that widow didn’t pay money for this type of treatment, especially when she can get it out in the world everyday for free.
And, please, before I get hate mail from life coaches- I’m not saying they don’t have value. Sure they do. But before you use a life coach, you may want to ask if they work with a licensed mental health counselor, and how they decide whether or not to refer someone. If you get any kind of vague answer, I would recommend finding another one. As the objective professional, the life coach has the lion’s share of the responsibility in figuring out whether or not they are qualified to help you with your issues.
What to Look for in a Counselor
So, you’ve decided you’d like to see a counselor. Now what? Do a google search and you are faced with what seems like hundreds of counselors. Actually, there are about 400 licensed mental health counselors in Florida alone. So, how to pick one?
What most therapists won’t tell you, probably because they don’t keep up with research, is that about 40% of counseling outcome is a result of the strength of the therapist/client relationship. Yes, you have a relationship with your counselor just like you do with anyone else in your life. But this relationship is different (watch the video on the main page of my website for more details on this). Anyway, the point is: being a relationship, it’s important that you feel comfortable and trust, just like you would in any of your other relationships. The outcome of your therapy depends on it.
But, first things first. You have to find a counselor out of the hundreds. Based on my clinical experience, and what clients have reported, I have created the following list of things to look for when selecting a counselor:
- The first question is, are you using insurance? Do they offer mental health coverage? If so, you can use the following list to help you narrow down your choices from the providers your insurance carrier offers. Cautionary: please see previous blog on hazards of utilizing your insurance.
- In order to start filtering down, start with credentials. If you’re looking for relationship therapy, you are going to want a therapist trained in this modality, which is completely different than individual therapy. It differs from state to state, for example, in the state of Florida licensure for a marriage and family therapist is separate from an individual counselor. If you’re having sexual issues, look for a sex therapist, which is a licensed professional with specialized training in sexuality. Research appears to indicate that many counselors are unprepared to deal with their client’s sexual issues, even if they say that they can. So check the credentials.
- From there, see if the counselor has a picture and/or a video. Do they have a website? If so, check the biography under the “About Me” page. Not all therapists are tech savvy, so if this is important to you, you’ve just automatically filtered down your list even more. Don’t overthink it. If you can’t picture telling this person your deepest and darkest secrets then move on. If you can’t tell an inanimate picture, you probably will feel uncomfortable in person. And therapy won’t work.
- Next, look for recommendations. Most people you know probably aren’t going to tell you of the great therapist they just saw! So search online for client ratings, or see if the therapist has any testimonials posted. This should help you narrow down your search even more.
- Next, check for location. If it’s going to be difficult for you to drive over to see your counselor, you’ll be less likely to go. And that’s not good. Make sure there is ample parking, and you feel comfortable with the location, both geographically and the interior office.
- Last, check their office policies and fees to make sure they are fair to you and that you understand them. Most therapists will charge you for your appointment if you cancel within 24 hours. It’s important to understand these types of things before engaging their services.
Once you have found one:
- Do you feel comfortable talking to this person? Do they seem to understand you without judgement?
- Don’t tolerate a therapist who is perpetually late. Your time is just as valuable as theirs.
- Does the counselor do their homework? Good clinical practice standards dictate that counselors take notes on all of their sessions, and review them prior to your next visit. Is your counselor doing this, or does it seem like every time they see you it’s for the first time?
- Is there a direction, and goals to therapy or do you seem to just be aimlessly discussing the week’s events?
- Does your counselor ask to speak and consult with other professionals you are involved with, for example your psychiatrist?
- For even more tips, check out this article on the elements of good therapy.
Remember, even though your therapist is the expert, don’t be afraid to demand the best. Change therapists if you need to. It’s your right.
Can Spending Money Really Make You Happy?
Can spending money really make you happy? Ask any woman, and of course…well, you know the answer. Shoes, lipstick, a new outfit. It’s in our DNA. Ask any man, and…well, you know. He’ll reflexively check his wallet.
But can buying things really make us happy? Well…sort of. If we are purchasing an experience rather than a material item.
It turns out, what really makes us happy is buying experiences! Dinner instead of shoes! A show instead of lipstick! A hiking vacation instead of a new outfit! OK, ladies- one, two, three…”Say WHAT?!”
According to a study by Ryan Howell at the San Francisco State University, people who purchase experiences instead of things have greater life satisfaction and well-being. Particulary extraverts. But everyone needs a balance, including introverts. Most people think it’s things that will make them happy, but really, they need both. Things AND experiences.
The upshot? Experiencing new things together will help increase your intimacy with your partner. According to John Gottman, relationship expert and researcher, experiencing new activities together will enrich your marriage. And who doesn’t want that?
P.S. If you don’t, maybe it’s time to see a counselor.
Can You Go to Couples Therapy Alone?
What if you’re having marriage problems and your husband doesn’t want to go to therapy? Can you go to couples therapy alone? According to a recent article in the Wall Street Journal, yes you should!
Couples therapy is very effective for relationship problems because both partners have the opportunity to understand the dysfunctional patterns and dynamics of their relationship. By addressing both sides of the equation, progress can be made much more quickly. But each party must be willing to look at his or her own behavior, and how it contributes to the relationship dysfunction. If they cannot, then the couples session rapidly turns into a ping pong match of blame. Guess what? Not taking responsibility for your contribution to the problem is not going to make your partner more cooperative and willing to make the changes you deem necessary. Rather, he or she will likely become more defensive, and before you know it you are paying a counselor a lot of money to hear you fight just like you do at home. Not helpful.
That’s why interspersing individual therapy with couples therapy can be very effective. A lot of counselors won’t do this because it complicates things; it can create alliances and make one partner feel “left out”. Confidentiality also gets stickier: what if one partner tells you they are having an affair? However, when managed properly, adding individual sessions to the couples modality can be very beneficial. A few years back when I started doing this I noticed I got a lot more information a lot more quickly, and was able to be much more effective in the joint sessions. Yes, it’s trickier to manage but the client ultimately benefits. And that’s really what this is all about!
If your partner is not willing to go at all, then by all means go yourself. If you are willing to be honest about your behavior, and be vulnerable enough to admit where you are wrong, you can still see results from individual therapy focused on relationship issues. Once your partner starts to see changes, he or she will probably be more willing to participate with you, which will enhance the results you’ve already received from the individual therapy. Furthermore, a good therapist can uncover unhealthy beliefs, attitudes and patterns of behavior within yourself that you may have been unaware of. Even if this relationship doesn’t work out, you’ll want your next one to, right? By addressing internal dysfunction you greatly increase the likelihood that you will not only attract, but be able to keep, an emotionally healthier and more compatible mate.
Depression- What You Need to Know Right Now
According to a recent study described in the ScienceDaily (January 2012), cognitive behavioral and psychodynamic therapy helps those with a 
depressive personality just as effectively as those without. According to the article 44% of the population have depressive personality traits. This study is important because it suggests that those with a lower level of depression, but chronic, can benefit from talk therapy. It also adds to the evidence base showing that cognitive behavioral therapy is effective for depression.
For someone with depression, it may be much more difficult to seek help. And not just because of the usual- shame, embarrassment, fear of talking to a stranger, etc. But because people with depression have difficulty mobilizing in ways people without cannot understand. Having depression is like walking around all day with a heavy wet blanket draped over your head and body. The world looks dark, and it is difficult to move. In fact, it’s simply easier to stay in one place and hide underneath the blanket. Unfortunately, that’s the last thing you should do. Yes, I’m talking to you.
What should you do? Call a mental health professional today and make an appointment. You’ll feel much better. And then keep the appointment. Do what the therapist suggests. And if you don’t like the therapist? Find another one. Keep searching until you find one you trust and are comfortable with. Studies show about 40% of therapeutic change is a result of the strength of the therapist and client relationship. So call today!
What Your Psychiatrist Doesn’t Want You to Know About Depression
According to a recent article in Psychotherapy Networker (January/February 2012) by Andrew Weil, there really isn’t any evidence that SSRIs are 
effective, and furthermore, doctors really don’t understand how they work. Why is this? The answer, as is true with many things in life, is “follow the money”. Drug companies make huge profits everyday by prescribing these types of drugs to people. Therefore, those in the medical field do not have an incentive to research or focus on data that indicates SSRIs may not be effective.
According to Weil, the most recent analysis published in JAMA (Journal of the American Medical Association) rates the effects of SSRIs as “nonexistent to negligible”. In fact, much of the perceived effectiveness has to do with the placebo effect- the idea that if you’re doing something, anything to help your depression you will feel better, so your depression will lift. The truth is that the medical community does not really understand the role that seratonin plays in depression. They know it does, but they don’t understand the mechanism of how it works. Scary, right?
Yet there are doctors everyday, including general practitioners (even scarier!) prescribing these pills to people Now, I’m not saying that they don’t have any value…I’m just suggesting that caution should be in order; buyer beware because the medical doctors generally won’t. You need to be your own best advocate in your health care!
What DOES work for depression? Many studies show that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is effective. Altering your thoughts and perceptions will eventually make you feel better. Now, for a person with depression that is a very difficult thing to do. And, if you’re really depressed, perhaps SSRIs can actually be helpful. But make sure you go to a qualified doctor, preferably a psychiatrist who keeps up with all of the latest research. And, if you’re going to go on meds, combine it with talk therapy. There is research suggesting that meds combined with talk therapy is more effective than just meds alone. So find a good therapist, too. The good news? Depression is one of the most treatable mental illnesses!
Chart Your Own Course
Recently I attended a lunch where Pam Iorio, former mayor of my home city, Tampa, spoke. She said something absolutely brilliant that she should patent: “Chart your own course.” Only I hope she hasn’t yet because I want to use it in this post.
So you need to know where you are going. What are your biggest goals? Are your current day-to-day activities meeting these goals?
Only you hold the steering wheel of your life. Others may try to direct you. If you don’t chart your own course, others will. Do you really want other people determining the direction of your life?
As Ms. Iorio states, she had five strategic goals during her tenure, and said “no” to any activity that didn’t support these five goals. How do I remember that she had five? She repeated it at least four times in her speech. This woman knows her course.
I reflect upon this as I sit here this morning trying to figure out what to do first. Just this morning alone, I had two places I needed to be at the same time. I had to ask myself, which activity most directly supports my goals? And, I had to let one of them go. Unfortunately it was the “fun” one. Then, immediately after that, I received two invitations for two things that sound great, but don’t directly contribute to my goals. Yep, “no” to both of those as well.
I then started thinking about all of the times I say “no.” It’s frequent. I usually feel somewhat guilty…but I cannot be in two places at the same time, and I cannot say yes to every invitation that comes along or I won’t make progress toward what is important to ME. I also need down time. Yes, down time contributes to my long-term goals because it allows me to recharge and go on to accomplish more.
So, what are your goals? Are you charting your own course, or allowing others to lead you? Do you spend your time reacting to other people’s demands, or making your own?
Now, back to that dissertation I’ve been postponing…
Differing Sexual Desires: A Radio Interview with CounselorBarb
In my first radio broadcast, I am interviewed by Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird on sexual desire, particularly differing sexual drives between partners. I cite research, as well as provide suggestions for bridging this divide. Listen now: 
Insurance: A possible violation of privacy
People ask me all of the time if I accept insurance. The answer is “no”. I have many reasons for this, with most of them centered around my clients’ well-being.
One of the major reasons I don’t accept insurance is that I would need to code you, as my client, with a psychological disorder. This is required by the insurance companies. Yes, I have to not only tell them that you are “crazy”, but what type of “crazy”. But it doesn’t stop there. This diagnosis goes into your permanent medical records, which are supposed to be kept confidential. However, as we know, technology is a lot of wonderful things; secure and confidential not always among those wonderful things. For every password-protected system there is a hacker who has made it his/her personal mission to enter. Just the fact that your records are “out there” places you at additional risk. Not to mention the legal and legitimate searches, which means you could get denied coverage in the future for a “pre-existing condition”. To sum it up, the diagnosis is permanently and centrally recorded, and could therefore be discovered by others.
Yet, even I was surprised to read about CNN’s Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen, who discovered that ALL of her private medical information was actually online! Yep, it was all on the internet! All it took was her social security number, birthday, and address. Right there in black and white was every medical diagnosis and treatment from 2003! According to Dr. Steven Schwaltzberg, associate professor of surgery at Harvard Medical School, “There is more information out there about people than could ever possibly be realized.”
So, my refusal to accept insurance is in great part to help you protect information you may not have known required protection.
For CNN’s full article click here.
Trusting Your Gut
I had an interesting experience yesterday I would like to share.
Like women do every day in the U.S., I made an appointment to talk to a new hairstylist. I was considering switching, and wanted to talk with the new one before doing so.
Within five minutes, I began to feel odd. Uncomfortable. Almost surreal. The place had a weird energy- there was no reception area, there was nowhere to wait, and I had to search around to find who I was looking for. Stop being such a snob, I told myself.
But then it got a bit stranger. I started to feel uncomfortable with the person. I’m not sure if it was the disjointed speech, the slightly disheveled appearance or the fact that this person’s hair looked bad. Really bad.
Never trust a skinny cook, a poor stockbroker or a hairdresser with bad hair.
Still, I doubted myself. The longer I spent with this person, the more uncomfortable I became. I felt disconnected, out-of-place. I could not follow what was being said. The topic jumped back and forth from hair color to where I lived and worked and what nationality I was. These questions are too intrusive, I thought. Still, I did not get up to leave. Why? I doubted my gut.
Walking out to my car, I just had this really bad feeling. I thought, this is silly. What do I have to be upset about? Then I realized. It was my gut telling me not to go back to that hairstylist. The more I considered the facts (the inordinate amount of time it would take, the fact that this stylist had lots of openings and they were still in school, the inappropriate conversation) I realized an amazing thing: My gut was correct! My gut has always been correct! Whenever I have listened to it, I have never been sorry.
At least when I verify it. I never listen to my gut without verification.
So, what does all of this have to do with you?
Listen to your gut. Then verify.
When you visit a counselor, whether it’s me or someone else, pay attention to how you feel when you are around that person. Don’t just look at the credentials on the wall or the price. If you get that “bad feeling”, ask yourself: is this person really listening? Do they care? Does their style of communication fit with mine (does the conversation feel comfortable)? Are they focused or do they seem distracted? Do they change topics suddenly and seem to forget what they have just told you?
If your “bad feelings” are verified with observable facts, don’t go back. Find another counselor. Keep looking until you find one you feel comfortable talking to. Research shows that the counseling relationship accounts for approximately 40% of the outcome. If you don’t have a good relationship with your counselor, your chances of success are already down to 60%. Why do that to yourself? The work you do in counseling is difficult enough without adding an artificial challenge. So…listen to your gut. Then verify.
Ignorance of Long-Term Couples
According to the November 6, 2010 issue of Science News, researchers in Switzerland have discovered that the longer people are married to each other, the more ignorant they become of their partner’s likes and dislikes. Two psychologists studied 38 young (19 – 32 years of age) and 20 older (62 – 78 years of age) couples. The younger couples were able to accurately predict their partner’s food preference 47% of the time, but older couples were only able to do so 40% of the time. Similar ratios were found with regard to movies and kitchen design preferences. According to the article by Bruce Bower, this is due to the fact that older couples pay less attention to one another because they are more firmly rooted in their relationship. Compounding the issue, older people were also more over-confident in their ability to predict likes and dislikes than the newer couples were.
It’s the old “taken for granted” syndrome. Familiarity breeds laziness. Not good. As a relationship counselor, I fight every day to help couples overcome this phenomenon. It’s twin sister, “I can read your mind”, is also a problem. Spouses, especially when married for a long time, think that they can predict what their partner is thinking. This is not a problem when they are correct. But when they are not…Amazingly, I’ve actually seen situations where the partner has to argue with the mind-reader about what he or she is actually thinking.
Understanding and awareness of this general mind-reading tendency in long-term relationships is just the first step. Couples need to develop new behaviors, which can be challenging for long-term couples. Further complicating things, old resentments and emotions may be tied up with the mind-reading. If that is the case, it may be time to visit your relationship counselor.
To get more information about the benefits of relationship counseling, please visit my website, and take the relationship quiz, or give me a call at (813) 404-9215.
Men and Arguing: Fascinating New Information
According to a recent study from the University of Southern California, men shut down emotionally when arguing with their significant other. Any wife or long-term girlfriend will tell you they didn’t need a study to tell them this. Or, as one of my colleagues succinctly puts it: “That’s from the DUH journal of counseling.” But, what is newly discovered is that when men are under stress, the regions of the brain associated with understanding social cues become disengaged from other parts of the brain. Thus, they withdraw. Women, on the other hand, don’t seem to have this issue. Women’s brains stay coordinated regardless of how much stress they are under. At least with regard to reading emotions. I’m not talking about lost car keys here.
This is why so often in the pursue/withdraw dynamic, the pursuer is usually the woman. What happens is that the woman will want to discuss an issue, the man doesn’t appear to care (remember: they are having trouble reading social clues right now), so the woman begins to get frustrated and escalates her irritated behavior, which causes the man to withdraw more to avoid her anger, which causes her to yell louder, yeah, we can see where this is going.
Whereas this scientific explanation is not going to address this dysfunctional dynamic in your relationship, it may depersonalize it. Ladies, it may not be that your man doesn’t think your concern is important, it could be that part of his brain has temporarily shut down. You may be able to put yourself in his shoes, but he can’t return the favor right now.
Of course, your issues may be deeper than this. Take the Relationship quiz on my website (about halfway down on the right) to see if couples counseling may be beneficial. If you think it might be, give me a call at (813) 404-9215.
Until next time,
Barbara LoFrisco, LMHC, LMFT, Dip.ABS
Source: Parade magazine, October 24, 2010, p. 13.
Experience: The New Way to Happiness
Sunday’s St. Petersburg Times contained a very interesting article titled “Living, not buying, is what matters.” Did you read it? If not, or even if you did, here is my take.
The article profiled a couple who lived for their stuff. They were in jobs they hated so they could make payments on the debt they took on so that they could buy lots of stuff. Stuff they didn’t really need. Or really want. “Stuff” ultimately controlled their lives.
Said couple, inspired by a web post about living with less, decided to pare back in a big way. They moved to a studio apartment and limited themselves to 100 personal items. They sold their cars and gave away most of their clothing. What else did they get rid of? Their $30,000 debt. Now, one partner works part-time in a business she loves, and the other is pursuing a doctorate. By getting rid of their stuff, they made room in their lives for what really matters.
The research seems to back them up. People gain more satisfaction from experiences than they do from accumulating stuff. As Elizabeth W. Dunn, an associate professor in the psychology department at the University of British Columbia, states: “It’s better to go on a vacation than buy a couch, is basically the idea.” Thomas DeLeire, an associate professor of public affairs, population, health and economics at the University of Wisconsin in Madison, agrees. He found that out of nine categories, the only one that really made people happy was leisure: the vacation rather than the couch.
Other experts agree that people seem to be cutting back on consumption, but it is unknown how much of that is due to the poor economy and how much is due to a life-changing epiphany, like our couple. Regardless of the reason, people are reaping the benefits.
There are many reasons why experiences seem to be more beneficial. One is that a shared leisure experience strengthens social bonds, and, as I am continually telling my clients, a good support system is essential to mental health. Another reason is that it takes longer to process an experience than a purchase. Think about it. How long did it take you to stop being excited about your shiny new leather jacket vs. the wonderful mountain vacation you just took? This phenomenon even has a name: “hedonic adaptation.” There is no parallel term for becoming accustomed to experiences. What does that tell you?
Take it from Roko Belic, a Los Angeles filmaker who moved to a trailer park so he could surf more. Before you scoff, think about what is really important. Is it stuff or surfing? Roko is happier living more simply so he can pursue his passion: surfing, not sitting around looking at his stuff.
I hope this inspires you to take a look at your life. What are you dragging around that you can get rid of? How can you simplify? What is really going to make you happy? Is it the 40″ flat screen TV or the trip to Montana? I, for one, am going to start researching Montana. Today.
I look forward to your comments.
Source: St. Petersburg Times, Sunday, August 15, 2010
Mental Health Effects of Botox
Botox may do more for you than just erase wrinkles. According to a recent study done by psychology graduate student David Havas of the University of Wisconsin-Madison, women injected with Botox took an average of one-quarter of a second longer to read a sentence describing an angry or sad situation than they had before the procedure. Interestingly, they took no longer to read about a happy situation.
This supports the idea that facial expressions trigger and intensify relevant feelings, rather than simply reflecting them. Thus, someone who has frozen the muscles that show anger or sadness, may take longer to have negative emotions. This could have a detrimental effect on face-to-face interactions, in which even a small delay in evaluating emotion may create misunderstandings and hurt feelings. According to Nicolas Vermeulen, a psychologist at the Catholic University of Louvain in Belgium, Botox patients may react the wrong way to angry situations, putting themselves at risk.
Source: Science News, July 31, 2010
Do we need couples counseling?
Wondering if you should get couples counseling? I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, a Registered Marriage and Family Therapy Intern, and a sex therapist. In my work with couples, I have noted common areas in which troubled couples tend to be deficient. This list of ten questions that I have created will help you evaluate how well your relationship is functioning.
If you answer “no” to one or more of the questions, then it is likely that counseling will help enhance your relationship. The more questions you answer “no” to, especially questions 6 – 10, the greater the need for couples counseling.
1. Do both of you have some sort of outside support system, such as friends or family?
2. Do the two of you spend time alone together on a regular basis, interacting with each other, or do you find yourselves in silence whenever you are alone?
3. Do you explore new activities and places with your partner?
4. Do you take time to let your partner know you appreciate and love them? Is this often enough for your partner?
5. Do you share information about yourself or feelings with your partner that you don’t share with others? Do you do this on a regular basis?
6. Do each of you feel accepted and loved for who you truly are?
7. Do you speak respectfully and lovingly toward each other?
8. Do you feel comfortable bringing your problems to each other? Do both of you feel heard and understood?
9. Do you tend to solve problems as a team, rather than individually and then arguing about them later?
10. Do you deal with issues as they arise, rather than avoiding them?
How did you do? Many couples can usually improve in at least one of these areas. Sometimes, couples simply aren’t aware that there are areas of their relationship that can really benefit from some improvement. If you are having trouble addressing these areas, couples counseling can help. For more information on couples counseling, please visit my website.
* This list was developed after consulting similar lists in Lambos, W.A. and Emener, W. G. Cognitive and Neuroscientific Aspects of Human Love : A Guide for Therapists and Researchers, and Horton, Lee (2008), Crumbling Commitment: Managing a Marital Crisis.
A Sex Therapist Visits The Todd Superstore
Today I took a little field trip. As a clinically trained sexologist, this little trip should have been no problem. Yet, I felt compelled to enlist the assistance of my supervisor, who graciously walked me through the process. As I nervously pulled into the parking lot, I noted that I was 10 minutes early. No way was I going into that store by myself. I called my supervisor to tell her I was in the parking lot. Fortunately, she had pulled in directly ahead of me and was waiting patiently for me to get out of the car.
I went to a store that sells sex toys. For clinical and educational purposes, you see. “Intimacy enhancers” such as vibrators, cock rings, videos, clothing, you name it and they’ve got it. Flavored stuff that heats up, things that spin, roll, vibrate and light up. Some things I couldn’t figure out at all. As a trained clinician, I felt a little silly asking for help. But ask I did and the salespeople willingly opened up the package and explained how things worked, allowing me to hold items to check texture, pressure, and what not.
The store is clean, well-stocked, well-lit and organized. Sort of like a Target for dildos. The salespeople were dressed in conservative clothing and were professional. However, the sheer choice of product was a bit overwhelming. Is it really necessary to have an entire wall of rabbit style vibrators? Is there really a big difference between the pink, the purple and the camouflage? Should I chose one with flashing LED lights? I mean, what is the purpose of the lights, anyway?
Then we took a walk down the fetish aisle. I consider myself pretty open-minded but I was surprised not only at the sheer variety of restraint devices, but the creativity. There was a bed that you could buy specifically for BDSM use. Wow. And lots of various contraptions, most of which had a dildo on one side or end. There was actually an entire section for nipple clips, complete with weights or feathers, however you like your nipple clips.
About a half an hour into our little trip, I began to feel a bit numb. I mean really, how many fake penises can you look at before they all start to look the same? An hour into it I could no longer make good decisions and realized it was time to wrap things up before I purchased the $89.95 rolling tongue. (Which, by the way, felt like a real tongue. Cool product).
If I felt somewhat uncomfortable and almost completely overwhelmed, how might someone without clinical training feel? Maybe more people would visit these stores if they had a guide for their first time.
My recommendation: this is a clean, well-stocked store that women would feel comfortable entering. However, due to its sheer volume of products, I do not recommend it for newbies.
Genetic link to bullying harm
According to the June 19, 2010 issue of Science News, there may be a genetic link to the level of emotional damage done by bullying. Researchers at Duke University, North Carolina, found that kids with a short version of the 5-HTT gene were more likely to be emotionally upset by bullying, often severe enough to warrant mental health treatment. And, teenage girls with a short version of this gene were also more likely to become depressed after being socially excluded or lied about.
Preparing for Couples Therapy
This is a handout I prepared for couples entering therapy. Although it is oriented toward working with me, I think it provides concise and valuable information about the couples’ therapy process:
Welcome. By asking for help with your relationship you are making a statement about how important it is to you. Because it is important to you, It is also important to me. Therefore, I have prepared this handout to help you get the most benefit out of our time together.
I would like you to take a moment and think about why you would like to do couple’s therapy. “Because my wife/husband wants me to go” may be the only answer you have right now, and that’s OK. But, it would be helpful if you could take some time and think more deeply about it. Think about what you really want from your relationship. What is your “dream relationship”? Be as specific as possible. Think in terms of the goals you would like to have for your relationship.
Generally, it is more helpful to think about what you can change about yourself rather than what your partner can change. If you both can do this, the couples’ therapy has a much greater chance of working. Besides, you are in direct control of yourself, not your partner. On the other hand, it is also useful to have a clear (and realistic) idea of what you would like your partner to change. I say “realistic” because it is important to consider your partner’s strengths and weaknesses in this process.
It is also useful to think of your partnership as a “system.” As parts of that system you will naturally affect one another. A good analogy is an air conditioning system. In that system, if the air temperature gets too hot the thermostat kicks on the A/C, which then cools the temperature. In a very similar way, couples can either heat each other up, or cool each other down. I will help you discover such patterns and we will work on ways of altering them so a stable “temperature” is maintained.
The issues in your relationship have probably developed over many years, and so it makes sense that it may take several sessions to help you repair them. Like any bad habit, changing unproductive relationship patterns will take time and effort. But the rewards are great.
One final thought. It is natural and healthy for couples to argue. It is unrealistic to think that two humans with different temperaments, behaviors, and experiences will never disagree about anything. It is how you disagree that matters. I will help you learn how to “fight fair.” It is through a process of negotiation and compromise that relationships can grow and improve.
I look forward to working with you.
CounselorBarb 