Are you dating a narcissist?

counselorbarb ♦ April 19, 2024

In this 3-part series, I will explain in detail the dynamics of how a narcissist shows up in a romantic relationship.

Taylor Swift had it wrong in her song “Don’t Blame Me.” Love isn’t supposed to make you crazy. If it does, you’re probably dating a narcissist.

Narcissists come in all forms. They can be very handsome, or not. They can be successful, or not. The only difference really is the successful ones can love bomb more epically because they have more resources at their disposal. So I suppose if you’re going to experience the pain of a narcissist, choose a rich one. At least you will receive spoils of war (thank you to my good friend and colleague who coined this phrase).

Love bombing is what a narcissist does to hook their victim: premature and over-the-top declarations of affection and/or gift giving. The purpose is to get the victim romantically attached early on so that when the true behavior begins to reveal itself the victim has a much harder time terminating the relationship. More on this later.

First stage: establish false likeability and false vulnerability. The firm establishment of these traits in the very beginning helps the narcissist later when he begins to show his true self-absorbed and grandiose personality because it creates disbelief in the victim.

1. False likeability. Narcissists must make sure that the victim knows how likeable they are and how kind everybody thinks they are. They can do this in a number of ways. They can engineer an “accidental encounter” with either a friend (less likely as narcissists struggle with close interpersonal relationships) or acquaintances who will talk them up. They can relate stories about how popular they are and how well-liked they are (this is a lazy narcissist, by the way). When in public and around strangers, they can make a point to be extra friendly and social. They literally make “friends” all around them. All of this gives the victim the false idea that the narcissist is a likeable guy.
2. False vulnerability. Narcissists also want the victim to think they are vulnerable, but the truth is, the only vulnerability they experience is in relation to their own ego. Narcissists do this by relating some kind of traumatic story, or perhaps more than one, that clearly paints them as a victim. For example, they may tell you how hurt and surprised they were when their ex “suddenly” left. (This has the added bonus of pressuring the victim not to leave the relationship without sufficient warning). They will often go further by describing their ex as crazy and/or alcoholic, but the truth is that the narcissist may have created that tendency in them. The key here, however, is to make sure the victim thinks of the narcissist as being vulnerable, but it is a false vulnerability.

Next week, we will cover the second stage.