Individual Counseling, Couples Counseling and Sex Therapy

Women: 15 Ways To Turn Yourself On

1)     Stay in the moment.

  • Women’s sexuality is much more influenced by stress and over-work as compared to men’s. Many times we are filling out our to-do lists in our head while we are lying in bed or becoming romantic with our partner. It’s impossible to be fully in the moment when you’re going over the emails you didn’t send from work that day or starting to plan the meeting you have the next morning. So try to clear your head before getting into bed; leave work at work.
  • Regular meditation can help with this problem. The more focused your mind is on what is happening in the present moment, the more turned-on you will feel. There are many meditation apps available for download to your smart phone.

2)     Turn off anything electronic that is distracting.

  • Definitely turn the TV in the bedroom off. It’s hard to stay focused if can hear the anchor on the nighttime news cast talking about the car fatality that happened on 275 in rush hour traffic.
  • Turn off cell phones, laptops, iPhones and iPads, but do turn on some light jazz or other soft music that you both enjoy in the background. There’s nothing like a loud alarm tone buzzing as your boss calls you about a work emergency late at night to kill the mood. Your boss can wait another 10 minutes. Or twenty…On the other hand, music can definitely get you in the mood and help keep your head in the moment. Because that’s where sexual activity starts- in your brain.

3)     Keep your mind focused on what your man is doing to you.

  • If you still are having problems keeping your mind focused on what’s going on in the bedroom, think of exactly what your partner is doing to you. Think to yourself, “His hand is caressing my breast. His fingers are on my clitoris.” When you run a play-by-play scene of what’s going on inside your head, it forces you to focus on exactly what is happening in the moment. You will not be able to think of tomorrow’s business meeting if your brain is instead saying, “His lips are kissing my nipples.”

4)     Describe his movements to him as he’s touching you.

  • You and your partner may enjoy sexy talk. If that is the case, a great way to turn both of you on is to verbalize what he’s doing to you. In a soft sexy voice say, “I like the way your fingers glide over my thigh” or “Your tongue feels great on my vagina.” This positive reinforcement will also communicate to him what feels good (see #5).
  • You can also describe out loud what you are doing to him. Unzip his pants, put your hand in his boxers and whisper in his ear, “Your penis is so hard.” You will likely feel the blood start to pump to his genitals even more afterwards.

5)     Tell him when he does something right that makes you feel good.

  • Communication is definitely the key. Men can’t read our minds and every woman is different. As a result, men are usually the ones testing out the waters to find out what turns you on. Let him know what you like so he keeps doing more of it. But save any extended conversations for outside the bedroom; do not analyze his performance in the moment.
  • Give him a helping hand, so to speak. If you show him where you like to be touched and what feels good you will not only communicate your preferences but will also strengthen your bond overall.
  • Use non-verbals. Moaning and moving your body can also communicate how good something feels.

6)     Tell him when something doesn’t feel good.

  • This is something that is also very important, but a lot of times we just suffer silently and do not let our partner know what doesn’t feel good, or even hurts. We may even go as far as to fake an orgasm to save the man’s feelings! Please don’t do this. Unless you want to have sex that way for the rest of your life.
  • If something hurts, either tell your partner or simply move your body. If he doesn’t get the message, then by all means speak up. If something just doesn’t feel that good, then try moving his hand or moving your body. Later, outside the bedroom, explain to him what feels good and what doesn’t. Be sure to use “I language,”, i.e. “I really prefer…”
  • As women we tend to want to please our man, sometimes we endure and go through the motions just to satisfy him. Men can see right through this and it can actually be a turn off for them. So, know your body and communicate your needs and desires! You have just as much of a right to sexual pleasure as he does. Plus, the more turned on you are, the more turned on he will be.

7)     Don’t make excuses of why not to have sex; instead think of reasons why you should.

  • The sexual bond you have with your husband or boyfriend is the only special tie you have with just that one person. And research suggests that the quality of the sexual bond affects the quality of the emotional bond. So don’t let it slip away. I know our days and schedules get busy with work and kids, but you need to make special time set aside to be intimate. Your relationship depends on it!
  • One of the top excuses for women to not have sex is that they have a headache. Well, studies now actually prove that having intercourse reduces headaches because it pulls the blood flow from the brain into the genitals. So no more excuses! Sex is good for you, your body and your bond with your partner.

8)     Get into it, even if you’re not in the mood.

  • Many sexual experts are changing their opinion regarding the flow of sexual response. Previously, it was thought that women were just like men in that desire always preceded arousal. However, new research suggests that for women these phases can be reversed. What does this mean for you? Be like Nike and “just do it.” Once you get going, you’ll become aroused, and then you will feel desire.
  • And be an active participant. Don’t just lie there and expect men to do all of the work. Taking an active role in your own pleasure will not only empower you and help you feel more confident, you will also feel more sexual!

9)     Leave the lights on, men are visual!

  • I know many women don’t like to see themselves naked or have sex with the lights on because they don’t like their bodies. However, the thing is when it’s just you and your man in the bedroom he loves you for just being you. To him you are a beautiful woman! Men are generally visual creatures and will become aroused by seeing your beautiful body; and in turn, you will become aroused and start to believe you are beautiful naked when you see him become aroused.
  • Nobody is perfect; we all have some flaws on our bodies and something that make us insecure. Learn to start loving yourself and your body. When a woman has a high self-esteem and self-worth her sex life is better. You know that this man is lucky to be with such a beautiful, intelligent wonderful woman as yourself.

10)  Allow him to pleasure you.

  • Let him take his time to pleasure you. Most guys like the intimacy prior to intercourse. Other times you will jump straight into intercourse, but if he wants to explore your body and pleasure you, let him. Enjoy the time and effort he’s putting forth in you.

11. Don’t be afraid to use a little lubrication to keep a steady rhythm.

  •  Lubrication can always help out, especially for women in perimenopause or menopause, when the vaginal walls thin and become drier. Just make sure you use just a little bit and not too much. You still need some friction; when there’s too much lube you’re not going to feel anything.

12)  When you’re on the bottom move your pelvis like you’re on top instead.

  • Some women have a hard time reaching orgasm when they are on the bottom and their man is on top. What you can do to make the experience pleasurable for both partners is to move your pelvis up and down like you are actually on top.
  •  Have your man hold his body steady while you do the motions with your pelvis. This position can actually produce a more intensified orgasm versus if you were on top.

13)  Announcing out loud when you’re close to orgasm.

  • When you’re almost ready to climax and you announce it out loud to your partner it may help for a few reasons. One: it will keep your mind on the end goal so you don’t get distracted. Two: it helps your partner know to not stop what they are doing so you don’t lose the moment. Three: then your man may also climax with you.

14)  Speaking of orgasms…

  • A few of the tips here relate to you climaxing during intercourse. However, it is worth noting that only twenty to forty percent of the female population is able to do this. So, if you are part of the majority and require manual and/or oral stimulation to climax, no worries. Just be sure to communicate this to your partner (see #5). And keep in mind the intercourse-related tips may still be useful in maximizing your pleasure.

15)  If all else fails and you like to be in control, get on top and take the horse by the reins and ride him into the sunset.

  • If you just can’t have an orgasm unless you’re on top, then go for it! Let him know that this is the position you like most. If he also prefers being on top, either take turns, or start with you on top and then after you have climaxed switch positions with him.

*Adapted from Tara Richter, Certified Dating Coach, Author & Radio Show Host




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