Are you dating a narcissist? (part 3)

counselorbarb ♦ May 3, 2024

In the previous two posts, I outlined the first two stages of how the narcissist hooks their victim. In this post, I will describe the addictive process they create to keep the victim coming back for more.

Third stage: create anxiety in the victim. Now that destabilization is established, the next step is to create a ludic loop. Based on an intermittent reward system, the ludic loop keeps victims coming back for the bombing behavior that hooked them in the first place.  The victim is hopeful the relationship will develop and deepen, but it never does. This creates what can feel like an addiction, and will definitely make the victim feel anxious.

If confronted, narcissists will gaslight because they directly benefit from this toxic cycle. They enjoy all the attention that is created by the anxiously attached victim. Whether or not the narcissist intended to set up or maintain this toxic cycle doesn’t really matter. The problem is that the victim does not realize what’s going on. He or she does not realize the narcissist is acting in ways to create anxiety so that the victim will pay extra attention to him and feeds his ego. As soon as the victim stops doing this, the narcissist is no longer interested. This is why break up conversations with the narcissist are under five minutes.

Some examples:

1. Early texts contain a lot of hearts or other romantic emojis, but this becomes much more intermittent as time goes on
2. Asking the victim if he or she misses you, or if he or she loves you, then acting distracted and ignoring the victim
3. Sexual rejection, then over-performance at the next encounter

Here are some contrasts between narcissists and normal partners:

What attracted them

Narcissist: You have a cute butt

Normal: You help people for your job

How they handle your feelings

Narcissist: silence (then walks away)

Normal: Oh, this must be so hard. Is there anything I can do?

Their interest in you

Narcissist: Don’t tell me now about the friends I’m going to meet. I’d rather discover it organically (code for I can’t be bothered to remember this)

Normal: What were their names again? (Repeats to make sure)

Dishes

Narcissist: Look at me doing your dishes. Where else can you find that? (Um, any normal functional partner?)

Normal: I’ll clean up. I’d put them away too, but I don’t know where they go. There’s nothing worse than not being able to find your stuff when you need it

Bed

Narcissist: Makes his side of bed only, or helps but includes a sarcastic comment

Normal: Helps make entire bed (no complaining)

Cooking

Narcissist: Talks about himself (this is the default)

Normal: What can I do to help? (then helps without pointing out how helpful he is)

Meta Communication

Narcissist: No discussion or conversation about how often to contact. Frequency is according to his need. If he’s bored or lonely, expect a lot of contact. If he’s busy or otherwise engaged you will not hear from him very often at all. If you’ve expressed a frequency need, it will be ignored

Normal: I’d like to see you a few times a week and text daily. Then does it.

Compliments

Narcissist: You’re so hot, you have the ass of a 30 year old ( mostly objectifying).

Normal: You’re so beautiful and I’m incredibly attracted to you. But the way you help people was a big attraction too (notices values not just looks)

Work

Narcissist: How was your day? (general questions only)

Normal: What’s the typical day like for you? What’s your workflow like? I need to get better sync with your schedule.

Charity

Narcissist: Either does not give at all, or gives only to things he is personally interested in and only with a lot of fanfare to make sure people know how much he’s contributing.

Normal: Gives to charity without announcing it

Tour of your home

Narcissist: Talks the entire time about his professional trajectory. Looks around a little bit, but doesn’t ask any questions

Normal: Asks specific questions about his surroundings, i.e. tell me about your hobby

First date

Narcissist: Spends the entire date talking about himself and/or a monologue story. No questions for the victim, nor is there really room for the victim to even speak

Normal: Mutual questions about background, family, children, career, etc. Conversation is mutual

Moving a piece of furniture

Narcissist: Uses opportunity to grab victim for a kiss instead of helping

Normal: How can I help?

Phone rings in middle of a date

Narcissist: Answers the phone and has a full-blown conversation without ever mentioning that he’s with the victim.

Normal: Looks at phone and says I really need to talk to this person. I’ll just be a couple minutes. When on phone mentions that he’s with you. Gets off phone in a few minutes as he promised

Conclusion: Recognize initial signs of narcissism so you can protect yourself. Realize that the love/sex bombing, while fun, is not the main meal but more like ice cream that will melt soon. So, enjoy if you want, but never take the narcissist at face value. It’s a mask.