Are you dating a narcissist? (part 2)

counselorbarb ♦ April 26, 2024

Last week I wrote about the narcissist sets up the initial dynamics. This week I will describe the second stage.

Second stage: love and/or sex bombing. Now that the victim is attracted to their likeability and vulnerability, the next stage is to hook the victim. Because Narcissists are aware of their shortcomings, they will initially give over-the-top attention in a multitude of ways to hook the victim. There are a lot of articles written on love bombing, but to my knowledge nobody has written about sex bombing. I believe the narcissist can do both.

Some definitions:

Love bombing: Early over-the-top declarations of love before they even know you. Examples: “You’re the perfect woman,” or “I’ve never met anyone like you,” etc. This can also be done through gifts; for example, giving a very extravagant gift early in the relationship. The key is that the actions are inappropriate given the phase of the relationship.

Sex bombing: Just like love bombing, but with sexual activities. The narcissist will pressure for sex early, then will over-perform, often including unusually pleasurable sexual activities. They will constantly tell the victim how “hot” they are (this provides the added bonus of objectification). The victim will mistakenly believe they are an excellent lover. The key is the over-focus on the victim’s body and/or sexuality.

Victims are swept away by this love and/or sex bombing. In fact, they can’t believe their luck. A kind, handsome, charismatic, successful man who is excellent in bed? I mean, who wouldn’t want to be love and/or sex bombed? Sounds fun, right?

But it’s not fun. The problem with both love and sex bombing is that the narcissist cannot keep this up. Not only because they are self-focused by nature, but most people – narcissist or not- cannot continue to expend this kind of energy long-term. So, they either gradually or suddenly withdraw the attention without comment or explanation. A sexual example is walking away suddenly and nonverbally from the middle of a sexual encounter. A love example is saying “I love you” consistently, either verbally and/or via text, then suddenly stopping.

This results in the victim feeling destabilized and anxious about the unexplained withdrawal of attention. This is further compounded by the ongoing discrepancy between what the narcissist is saying and what they are doing.

What does the victim do? Confused, they usually will try to confront the narcissist. Although this is a generally healthy response, when done with the narcissist it will be met by gaslighting. The gaslighting is required by the narcissist so that they can maintain the neglect and/or abuse (if they take accountability then they will have to change it).  Also, narcissists hate criticism, therefore a typical narcissistic response is to turn it around on you. This is why you may find yourself defending yourself often. Regardless of the reason for the gaslighting, it is harmful to the victim mainly because the victim starts to question their own perception of reality. At this point, they are truly hooked.

An example of sexual gaslighting: “it’s normal to just walk away. It’s understood we’ll continue tomorrow.” An example of love gaslighting: “I have been saying it. You’re the one who hasn’t.” Or perhaps worse, silence.

Next week, I will describe the third and final stage.