Yes, I’m talking about what we relationship counselors call the “pursuer/withdrawer” dynamic. You know it as the “I want to resolve this issue but he shuts me out and tells me to stop nagging him” problem. Whatever you want to call it, what happens is that the woman will want to discuss an issue, the man doesn’t appear to care (remember: they are having trouble reading social clues right now), so the woman begins to get frustrated and escalates her irritated behavior, which causes the man to withdraw more to avoid her anger, which causes her to yell louder… yeah, we can see where this is going.

Ladies, he’s not trying to be a jerk. And you’re not a nag. Men freak out when their significant others are unhappy. Trust me, I’ve seen it over and over again. He’s probably just stressed out and has withdrawn because a) he’s panicked because you are unhappy; b) he can’t read social cues right now so he doesn’t really understand why; and to make it all worse, c) he’s no match for you because he doesn’t have the same verbal talents and capacity as you do.

Or maybe he really is a jerk who doesn’t care about your feelings. Sorry, can’t help you with that one.

What to do?

1. Approach him gently. Be calm; try to use a neutral tone of voice. Allow him time to process and think about what you are saying.
2. Then back off. Once you’ve made your point, back down and allow him to respond. This may take a few hours or even a day.
3. Own your own feelings. Start sentences with “I”, state your feelings and do not be accusatory.
4. Focus on the positive. Praise him and appreciate the good things he does.
5. Consider your timing. Don’t approach him right after a stressful day at work, but rather during a time when he’s likely to feel relaxed.

You still may need help sorting all of this out. In that case, I recommend you seek the services of a qualified relationship counselor. Counselors with “LMFT” (licensed marriage and family therapist) after their name are certified by the state to be qualified to do relationship counseling.

As I sat seething, because I had arranged my entire day around this meeting, I began to think about trust. About how so many of my clients complain that they can’t “trust” people. But have they ever considered how their actions may affect other’s ability to trust them?

See, you may think it’s no big deal to decide at the last minute you don’t want to go to dinner with your friend. Or not bother to call someone back. Or be 15 minutes late because you tried to fit in one last chore before you left the house. (Not that the actual reason matters; late is late). You may think that that person will understand, and you are probably right. But what you may not realize is that all of these little incidences of flakiness add up. They affect how people view you. They affect your reputation. They can make you seem untrustworthy.

Oh, don’t be so dramatic, you may think. Or “rigid,” as I have been personally accused of. But this isn’t about me. It’s about you, the actual flaky one. Have you considered how your actions may affect others? Even if they won’t tell you? Have you ever felt “judged?” Maybe there is a good reason.

If you can’t show that you are trustworthy with small things, then people won’t tend to trust you with big ones. So if you are consistently late, or otherwise unreliable, others aren’t going to think that you are a trustworthy person. Is that what you really want?

So, next time, before you consider blowing off your friend, think about what being “trustworthy” means, and if this is one of the adjectives you’d like others to use in describing you.

“Yes” is positive. “No” is negative. When we think of successful people, we think of people who say “yes.” Go-getters. Ambitious. Action oriented. Busy.

But, busy with what is the question here. Running around like crazy doing things that don’t directly contribute to your own goals isn’t being successful. It’s just being busy. And being busy for busy’s sake is more of a statement of how you want to look to other people than it is about meeting your own goals.

So how do we get so caught up in other people’s agendas? Our egos. Without getting into a lot of pscyho-babble about why, we often let our own egos get in the way of success. Huh? You say. I thought egos were good for success. A requirement, even.

Well, not when they dictate your priorities. It can be very flattering to be asked to speak at public events, co-author books or articles, or volunteer for whatever board position happens to be open. It means people want you, you are important, and the center of action! Right? Well, no. Just because someone wants you for something it doesn’t mean that actually doing that thing will make you a better person. The only guaranteed result is that you will make the requestor happy because his or her life just got easier. Does this sound like the road to success to you? I didn’t think so.

So, the next time you are oh-so flattered that someone asked you to do something, no matter how prestigious it may sound, please take the time to reflect if this new obligation fits in with your own priorities. If it doesn’t, say “no.” Because “no” is really the path to success no matter what else you have read. It’s only by saying “no” to the things you don’t really want that you can say “yes” to the things you do. And that is success.

See, each time I saw that file I felt bad. Guilty. “There’s another thing I haven’t gotten done yet but should,” I thought. “But I just don’t have time right now.” Unfortunately, however, I DID have time to feel bad about it. And I did. The irony that this was a post about procrastination just made my guilt worse. And each time I felt bad, I used up mental and emotional energy. Energy that could have, and should have, been put into writing the blog in the first place. Crazy, huh?

But we do this stuff all the time. Pulled in a million different directions, how can we not? Well, if we were more aware of how draining procrastination really is, maybe we would stop doing it. You know, like, maybe tomorrow.

So let’s think about it. Think about the chores or tasks you have been postponing. And I’m not even talking about something as daunting or dreaded as cleaning out the garage. I’m talking about the simpler stuff, like calling your friend back (you know, the one who has recently resorted to stalking?) or cleaning out your closet. Every time you think about that friend, or walk by your closet, you leave a little piece of yourself. You feel bad, guilty…which leads to “I can’t seem to do it all” which leads to “I’m a bad/lazy/selfish person.” All of this emotional processing takes energy, energy which would be much better utilized if it were applied to the problem in the first place.

So…what to do? First, let’s all start acknowledging that the dusty tchotchkes on your shelf are eating you alive. Literally. Second, start to think of priorities. Use your time in a way that most benefits you. Not necessarily what you would LIKE to be doing (probably the number one reason for procrastination), but what would be most beneficial. If the messy closet or neglected friend bothers you, then make them a priority. Use the energy you would normally use to talk yourself out of the guilt to take action. Make the phone call. Clean up the mess. Your energy will be freed for more worthy pursuits, such as writing blog entries.

When people come to see me, naturally the focus is on whatever relationship, sexual, or emotional issue they are having. But what I explain to all of my clients is that taking care of their physical health is just as important.

You are spending hundreds of dollars on counseling, but you may be unintentionally sabotaging the entire process. How? By not taking care of your physical health.

Nutrition and exercise are essential to mental health, yet many of you ignore both of these important ways of taking care of yourself. You are eating junk food, or not eating at all, drinking too much alcohol, not taking vitamins and not exercising. Then you come to counseling to say that you feel “depressed.” Of course you do. Your body feels like crap, and because the body and mind are connected, your mind does, too.

Now I’m not saying just eat right and exercise and all of your problems will go away. What I am saying is that treating your psychological issue without taking care of your physical health is like driving a bus with a broken wheel. We may make some progress, but we’re going to go in circles unless we fix that wheel. There is a plethora of studies on how nutrition and exercise affect mental health, heed them! Fix your nutrition and start exercising. See how much better you feel. Or at least do these things while you are in counseling. Then counseling can help you with whatever bad feelings are left.

For more detail on the connections between exercise, nutrition and mental health, visit this previous blog post.

As a private practitioner, I see many different people with many different types of issues. What most of them have in common, however, is their anxiety about coming to talk to someone. You know, like me. A stranger they have never seen before to whom they are going to reveal their deepest darkest secrets.  It’s enough to make anyone nervous. And what do most people do when they are nervous? They talk.

So what usually happens is that once they come into the office, and we sit down, they start talking and don’t stop. Now, that’s fine. We understand you need to get your story out, and we’ve been trained not to interrupt you. However, there is a downside to this that I think you should be aware of. Your counselor probably isn’t going to tell you this, but I will.

When you interrupt us or do not allow us to speak, you are interfering with the counseling process. Which means it will take longer. Which means it will cost you more money.

See, we’re trained listeners, but we’re also trained responders. And, in most cases, it is necessary to have a two-way conversation in order for therapy to be helpful. We can’t just listen to a 40 minute monologue and then respond to the entire thing in 5 minutes. We’re good; but we’re not that good. So what usually happens is we will respond generally to the entire theme of what you are saying, or respond in detail to the last thing you said. Either way, you are missing responses to all the detailed stuff in the middle. Not good. And then you get frustrated because you think we haven’t said much, that we are holding back. And it’s true, but not for the reason you think. It’s that you haven’t allowed us to respond in the way that feels natural to us. The way we were trained.

So, what can you do to improve the chances of success? Allow your counselor to speak. Don’t hold up your hand and tell them to wait until you make your next point. Tell your counselor your story, but allow him or her space to respond. And don’t wait until the last 5 minutes in the session to ask for feedback. We just can’t manage to give you meaningful feedback in such a limited frame. Yes, you are the customer, but you aren’t always right. It is in your own interest to help us help you.

In short, trust your counselor. Don’t try to control the session. We are highly trained and educated, and we’ve done this before. We know what we are doing. And if you don’t trust your counselor, discuss openly with him or her why that is and see if it can be addressed. If not, then find another counselor. The counseling relationship is too important for your success not to.

See, none of these coaches are regulated by the state when it comes to handling emotional problems.  (Did you know that?)  That means they have no required training, have passed no standardized test, have not been under supervision, and are not subject to the mental health licensing board’s continuing scrutiny.  They are also not bound by a common code of ethics, mandated to take continuing education credits, including boundary issues, heck, I don’t even know if they are required to carry malpractice insurance.

Yet, these people will attempt to help you with your psychological issues.  Sure, they will present themselves as “self-esteem” or “relationship” issues, or even “self-defeating thinking.”  But do these professionals really know what to do when these common issues have roots that go beyond the weight that won’t come off, or your hesitation in pursuing that advanced degree?  What if the roots of these issues were deeper?  What if you’ve been told your whole life you were stupid (so you hesitate to improve your education) or that food meant comfort (so you never learned how to cope with depression in a healthy way).  Life coaches do not have the intense training and supervision required to gain the advanced skills required to cope with these types of issues.

A few years ago I was on vacation in Utah at a spa.  One evening, I was listening to a presentation by a life coach on how to overcome life’s obstacles (or something to that effect).  Someone raised their hand and spoke about how hard it’s been to carry on with life since their spouse died last year.  Immediately red flags raised in my mind, as they would in any other formally trained clinician.  Unfortunately, not so much for the life coach.  Instead, the presenter breezily said something to the effect that we must get over the bad things in life to get on with the good.  Horrified, I sought out the widow after the talk was over to make sure she was OK.  She told me she didn’t appreciate the life coach’s remark, that it was very insensitive and made her feel bad about feeling bad about her loss.  I was glad I was there that night, because I was able to briefly explain that people just don’t “get over” a loss that painful, and that it would take a very long time, and did  she have support, etc.  See what I mean?  I’m sure that life coach meant well, but she just hurt somebody by not understanding the limits of her own expertise, and not understanding enough about mental health to know what questions to ask and how to refer!  Rather, in her ignorance, she just papered over someone else’s pain.  And that widow didn’t pay money for this type of treatment, especially when she can get it out in the world everyday for free.

And, please, before I get hate mail from life coaches- I’m not saying they don’t have value.  Sure they do.  But before you use a life coach, you may want to ask if they work with a licensed mental health counselor, and how they decide whether or not to refer someone.  If you get any kind of vague answer, I would recommend finding another one.  As the objective professional, the life coach has the lion’s share of the responsibility in figuring out whether or not they are qualified to help you with your issues.

So, you’ve decided you’d like to see a counselor.  Now what?  Do a google search and you are faced with what seems like hundreds of counselors.  Actually, there are about 400 licensed mental health counselors in Florida alone.  So, how to pick one?

What most therapists won’t tell you, probably because they don’t keep up with research, is that about 40% of counseling outcome is a result of the strength of the therapist/client relationship.  Yes, you have a relationship with your counselor just like you do with anyone else in your life.  But this relationship is different (watch the video on the main page of my website for more details on this).  Anyway, the point is: being a relationship, it’s important that you feel comfortable and trust, just like you would in any of your other relationships.  The outcome of your therapy depends on it.

But, first things first.  You have to find a counselor out of the hundreds.  Based on my clinical experience, and what clients have reported, I have created the following list of things to look for when selecting a counselor:

1. The first question is, are you using insurance?  Do they offer mental health coverage?  If so, you can use the following list to help you narrow down your choices from the providers your insurance carrier offers.  Cautionary: please see previous blog on hazards of utilizing your insurance.
2. In order to start filtering down, start with credentials.  If you’re looking for relationship therapy, you are going to want a therapist trained in this modality, which is completely different than individual therapy.  It differs from state to state, for example, in the state of Florida licensure for a marriage and family therapist is separate from an individual counselor.  If you’re having sexual issues, look for a sex therapist, which is a licensed professional with specialized training in sexuality.  Research appears to indicate that many counselors are unprepared to deal with their client’s sexual issues, even if they say that they can.  So check the credentials.
3. From there, see if the counselor has a picture and/or a video.  Do they have a website?  If so, check the biography under the “About Me” page.  Not all therapists are tech savvy, so if this is important to you, you’ve just automatically filtered down your list even more.  Don’t overthink it.  If you can’t picture telling this person your deepest and darkest secrets then move on.  If you can’t tell an inanimate picture, you probably will feel uncomfortable in person.  And therapy won’t work.
4. Next, look for recommendations.  Most people you know probably aren’t going to tell you of the great therapist they just saw!  So search online for client ratings, or see if the therapist has any testimonials posted.  This should help you narrow down your search even more.
5. Next, check for location.  If it’s going to be difficult for you to drive over to see your counselor, you’ll be less likely to go.  And that’s not good.  Make sure there is ample parking, and you feel comfortable with the location, both geographically and the interior office.
6. Last, check their office policies and fees to make sure they are fair to you and that you understand them.  Most therapists will charge you for your appointment if you cancel within 24 hours.  It’s important to understand these types of things before engaging their services.

Once you have found one:

1. Do you feel comfortable talking to this person?  Do they seem to understand you without judgement?
2. Don’t tolerate a therapist who is perpetually late.  Your time is just as valuable as theirs.
3. Does the counselor do their homework?  Good clinical practice standards dictate that counselors take notes on all of their sessions, and review them prior to your next visit.  Is your counselor doing this, or does it seem like every time they see you it’s for the first time?
4. Is there a direction, and goals to therapy or do you seem to just be aimlessly discussing the week’s events?
5. Does your counselor ask to speak and consult with other professionals you are involved with, for example your psychiatrist?
6. For even more tips, check out this article on the elements of good therapy.

Remember, even though your therapist is the expert, don’t be afraid to demand the best.  Change therapists if you need to.  It’s your right.

But can buying things really make us happy? Well…sort of. If we are purchasing an experience rather than a material item.

It turns out, what really makes us happy is buying experiences! Dinner instead of shoes! A show instead of lipstick! A hiking vacation instead of a new outfit! OK, ladies- one, two, three…”Say WHAT?!”

According to a study by Ryan Howell at the San Francisco State University, people who purchase experiences instead of things have greater life satisfaction and well-being. Particulary extraverts. But everyone needs a balance, including introverts. Most people think it’s things that will make them happy, but really, they need both.  Things AND experiences.

The upshot? Experiencing new things together will help increase your intimacy with your partner. According to John Gottman, relationship expert and researcher, experiencing new activities together will enrich your marriage. And who doesn’t want that?

P.S. If you don’t, maybe it’s time to see a counselor.

What if you’re having marriage problems and your husband doesn’t want to go to therapy?  Can you go to couples therapy alone?  According to a recent article in the Wall Street Journal, yes you should!

Couples therapy is very effective for relationship problems because both partners have the opportunity to understand the dysfunctional patterns and dynamics of their relationship.  By addressing both sides of the equation, progress can be made much more quickly.  But each party must be willing to look at his or her own behavior, and how it contributes to the relationship dysfunction.  If they cannot, then the couples session rapidly turns into a ping pong match of blame.  Guess what? Not taking responsibility for your contribution to the problem is not going to make your partner more cooperative and willing to make the changes you deem necessary.  Rather, he or she will likely become more defensive, and before you know it you are paying a counselor a lot of money to hear you fight just like you do at home.  Not helpful.

That’s why interspersing individual therapy with couples therapy can be very effective.  A lot of counselors won’t do this because it complicates things; it can create alliances and make one partner feel “left out”.  Confidentiality also gets stickier: what if one partner tells you they are having an affair?  However, when managed properly, adding individual sessions to the couples modality can be very beneficial.  A few years back when I started doing this I noticed I got a lot more information a lot more quickly, and was able to be much more effective in the joint sessions.  Yes, it’s trickier to manage but the client ultimately benefits.  And that’s really what this is all about!

If your partner is not willing to go at all, then by all means go yourself.  If you are willing to be honest about your behavior, and be vulnerable enough to admit where you are wrong, you can still see results from individual therapy focused on relationship issues.  Once your partner starts to see changes, he or she will probably be more willing to participate with you, which will enhance the results you’ve already received from the individual therapy.  Furthermore, a good therapist can uncover unhealthy beliefs, attitudes and patterns of behavior within yourself that you may have been unaware of.  Even if this relationship doesn’t work out, you’ll want your next one to, right?  By addressing internal dysfunction you greatly increase the likelihood that you will not only attract, but be able to keep, an emotionally healthier and more compatible mate.