How To Nag Successfully
According to a recent study from the University of Southern California, men shut down emotionally when arguing with their significant other. Any wife or long-term girlfriend will tell you they didn’t need a study to tell them this. But, what is newly discovered is that when men are under stress, the regions of the brain associated with understanding social cues become disengaged from other parts of the brain. As a result, they withdraw. Women’s brains, on the other hand, stay coordinated regardless of how much stress they are under. Furthermore, women also use more of their brains for verbal processing, as opposed to men, who use it for spatial processing. So women have an unfair advantage even before the arguing starts.
Yes, I’m talking about what we relationship counselors call the “pursuer/withdrawer” dynamic. You know it as the “I want to resolve this issue but he shuts me out and tells me to stop nagging him” problem. Whatever you want to call it, what happens is that the woman will want to discuss an issue, the man doesn’t appear to care (remember: they are having trouble reading social clues right now), so the woman begins to get frustrated and escalates her irritated behavior, which causes the man to withdraw more to avoid her anger, which causes her to yell louder… yeah, we can see where this is going.
Ladies, he’s not trying to be a jerk. And you’re not a nag. Men freak out when their significant others are unhappy. Trust me, I’ve seen it over and over again. He’s probably just stressed out and has withdrawn because a) he’s panicked because you are unhappy; b) he can’t read social cues right now so he doesn’t really understand why; and to make it all worse, c) he’s no match for you because he doesn’t have the same verbal talents and capacity as you do.
Or maybe he really is a jerk who doesn’t care about your feelings. Sorry, can’t help you with that one.
What to do?
- Approach him gently. Be calm; try to use a neutral tone of voice. Allow him time to process and think about what you are saying.
- Then back off. Once you’ve made your point, back down and allow him to respond. This may take a few hours or even a day.
- Own your own feelings. Start sentences with “I”, state your feelings and do not be accusatory.
- Focus on the positive. Praise him and appreciate the good things he does.
- Consider your timing. Don’t approach him right after a stressful day at work, but rather during a time when he’s likely to feel relaxed.
You still may need help sorting all of this out. In that case, I recommend you seek the services of a qualified relationship counselor. Counselors with “LMFT” (licensed marriage and family therapist) after their name are certified by the state to be qualified to do relationship counseling.
Building Trust: Don’t Be A Flake
As I sat recently in a restaurant waiting for an acquaintance to show up, I began to think about what it means to be reliable. And, as with most painful or interesting situations in my life, I attempt to make meaning out of it by turning it into a blog post. Or, more specifically, my husband will say, “That could be a blog post.” 
As I sat seething, because I had arranged my entire day around this meeting, I began to think about trust. About how so many of my clients complain that they can’t “trust” people. But have they ever considered how their actions may affect other’s ability to trust them?
See, you may think it’s no big deal to decide at the last minute you don’t want to go to dinner with your friend. Or not bother to call someone back. Or be 15 minutes late because you tried to fit in one last chore before you left the house. (Not that the actual reason matters; late is late). You may think that that person will understand, and you are probably right. But what you may not realize is that all of these little incidences of flakiness add up. They affect how people view you. They affect your reputation. They can make you seem untrustworthy.
Oh, don’t be so dramatic, you may think. Or “rigid,” as I have been personally accused of. But this isn’t about me. It’s about you, the actual flaky one. Have you considered how your actions may affect others? Even if they won’t tell you? Have you ever felt “judged?” Maybe there is a good reason.
If you can’t show that you are trustworthy with small things, then people won’t tend to trust you with big ones. So if you are consistently late, or otherwise unreliable, others aren’t going to think that you are a trustworthy person. Is that what you really want?
So, next time, before you consider blowing off your friend, think about what being “trustworthy” means, and if this is one of the adjectives you’d like others to use in describing you.
How You May Be Your Own Worst Enemy By Saying “Yes”
The secret of success is saying “yes.” How many times have you heard that? 
“Yes” is positive. “No” is negative. When we think of successful people, we think of people who say “yes.” Go-getters. Ambitious. Action oriented. Busy.
But, busy with what is the question here. Running around like crazy doing things that don’t directly contribute to your own goals isn’t being successful. It’s just being busy. And being busy for busy’s sake is more of a statement of how you want to look to other people than it is about meeting your own goals.
So how do we get so caught up in other people’s agendas? Our egos. Without getting into a lot of pscyho-babble about why, we often let our own egos get in the way of success. Huh? You say. I thought egos were good for success. A requirement, even.
Well, not when they dictate your priorities. It can be very flattering to be asked to speak at public events, co-author books or articles, or volunteer for whatever board position happens to be open. It means people want you, you are important, and the center of action! Right? Well, no. Just because someone wants you for something it doesn’t mean that actually doing that thing will make you a better person. The only guaranteed result is that you will make the requestor happy because his or her life just got easier. Does this sound like the road to success to you? I didn’t think so.
So, the next time you are oh-so flattered that someone asked you to do something, no matter how prestigious it may sound, please take the time to reflect if this new obligation fits in with your own priorities. If it doesn’t, say “no.” Because “no” is really the path to success no matter what else you have read. It’s only by saying “no” to the things you don’t really want that you can say “yes” to the things you do. And that is success.
Stop Putting Things Off: The Negative Effects of Procrastination
I’ve been trying to write this blog entry for about a week, but…I keep putting it off. Each time I look at my computer, there it is, the empty file titled “Procrastination blog entry.” Mocking me. Taunting me. Sapping my energy in ways that don’t feel immediately obvious. 
See, each time I saw that file I felt bad. Guilty. “There’s another thing I haven’t gotten done yet but should,” I thought. “But I just don’t have time right now.” Unfortunately, however, I DID have time to feel bad about it. And I did. The irony that this was a post about procrastination just made my guilt worse. And each time I felt bad, I used up mental and emotional energy. Energy that could have, and should have, been put into writing the blog in the first place. Crazy, huh?
But we do this stuff all the time. Pulled in a million different directions, how can we not? Well, if we were more aware of how draining procrastination really is, maybe we would stop doing it. You know, like, maybe tomorrow.
So let’s think about it. Think about the chores or tasks you have been postponing. And I’m not even talking about something as daunting or dreaded as cleaning out the garage. I’m talking about the simpler stuff, like calling your friend back (you know, the one who has recently resorted to stalking?) or cleaning out your closet. Every time you think about that friend, or walk by your closet, you leave a little piece of yourself. You feel bad, guilty…which leads to “I can’t seem to do it all” which leads to “I’m a bad/lazy/selfish person.” All of this emotional processing takes energy, energy which would be much better utilized if it were applied to the problem in the first place.
So…what to do? First, let’s all start acknowledging that the dusty tchotchkes on your shelf are eating you alive. Literally. Second, start to think of priorities. Use your time in a way that most benefits you. Not necessarily what you would LIKE to be doing (probably the number one reason for procrastination), but what would be most beneficial. If the messy closet or neglected friend bothers you, then make them a priority. Use the energy you would normally use to talk yourself out of the guilt to take action. Make the phone call. Clean up the mess. Your energy will be freed for more worthy pursuits, such as writing blog entries.
How You May Be Sabotaging Your Mental Health
Congratulations! You have made the brave and potentially life-altering step of getting some counseling. Good for you. But did you know that some very simple things you are doing right now could be sabotaging your progress?
When people come to see me, naturally the focus is on whatever relationship, sexual, or emotional issue they are having. But what I explain to all of my clients is that taking care of their physical health is just as important.
You are spending hundreds of dollars on counseling, but you may be unintentionally sabotaging the entire process. How? By not taking care of your physical health.
Nutrition and exercise are essential to mental health, yet many of you ignore both of these important ways of taking care of yourself. You are eating junk food, or not eating at all, drinking too much alcohol, not taking vitamins and not exercising. Then you come to counseling to say that you feel “depressed.” Of course you do. Your body feels like crap, and because the body and mind are connected, your mind does, too.
Now I’m not saying just eat right and exercise and all of your problems will go away. What I am saying is that treating your psychological issue without taking care of your physical health is like driving a bus with a broken wheel. We may make some progress, but we’re going to go in circles unless we fix that wheel. There is a plethora of studies on how nutrition and exercise affect mental health, heed them! Fix your nutrition and start exercising. See how much better you feel. Or at least do these things while you are in counseling. Then counseling can help you with whatever bad feelings are left.
For more detail on the connections between exercise, nutrition and mental health, visit this previous blog post.
Optimize Your Counseling Dollar
Have you been to a counselor lately? That’s OK…don’t answer out loud. But if you have, or are considering visiting one in the near future, and want to make sure you get the most for your money, this blog post will be of interest.
As a private practitioner, I see many different people with many different types of issues. What most of them have in common, however, is their anxiety about coming to talk to someone. You know, like me. A stranger they have never seen before to whom they are going to reveal their deepest darkest secrets. It’s enough to make anyone nervous. And what do most people do when they are nervous? They talk.
So what usually happens is that once they come into the office, and we sit down, they start talking and don’t stop. Now, that’s fine. We understand you need to get your story out, and we’ve been trained not to interrupt you. However, there is a downside to this that I think you should be aware of. Your counselor probably isn’t going to tell you this, but I will.
When you interrupt us or do not allow us to speak, you are interfering with the counseling process. Which means it will take longer. Which means it will cost you more money.
See, we’re trained listeners, but we’re also trained responders. And, in most cases, it is necessary to have a two-way conversation in order for therapy to be helpful. We can’t just listen to a 40 minute monologue and then respond to the entire thing in 5 minutes. We’re good; but we’re not that good. So what usually happens is we will respond generally to the entire theme of what you are saying, or respond in detail to the last thing you said. Either way, you are missing responses to all the detailed stuff in the middle. Not good. And then you get frustrated because you think we haven’t said much, that we are holding back. And it’s true, but not for the reason you think. It’s that you haven’t allowed us to respond in the way that feels natural to us. The way we were trained.
So, what can you do to improve the chances of success? Allow your counselor to speak. Don’t hold up your hand and tell them to wait until you make your next point. Tell your counselor your story, but allow him or her space to respond. And don’t wait until the last 5 minutes in the session to ask for feedback. We just can’t manage to give you meaningful feedback in such a limited frame. Yes, you are the customer, but you aren’t always right. It is in your own interest to help us help you.
In short, trust your counselor. Don’t try to control the session. We are highly trained and educated, and we’ve done this before. We know what we are doing. And if you don’t trust your counselor, discuss openly with him or her why that is and see if it can be addressed. If not, then find another counselor. The counseling relationship is too important for your success not to.
How Life And Weight Loss Coaches Can Be Bad For Your Health
Look around- life coaches, weight loss coaches, beauty coaches, nutrition coaches…everyone wants to “coach” you on something! And congratulations to you for wanting to improve your life. I’m not here to rain on your parade- I just want to hand you an umbrella so you don’t accidentally get drenched.
See, none of these coaches are regulated by the state when it comes to handling emotional problems. (Did you know that?) That means they have no required training, have passed no standardized test, have not been under supervision, and are not subject to the mental health licensing board’s continuing scrutiny. They are also not bound by a common code of ethics, mandated to take continuing education credits, including boundary issues, heck, I don’t even know if they are required to carry malpractice insurance.
Yet, these people will attempt to help you with your psychological issues. Sure, they will present themselves as “self-esteem” or “relationship” issues, or even “self-defeating thinking.” But do these professionals really know what to do when these common issues have roots that go beyond the weight that won’t come off, or your hesitation in pursuing that advanced degree? What if the roots of these issues were deeper? What if you’ve been told your whole life you were stupid (so you hesitate to improve your education) or that food meant comfort (so you never learned how to cope with depression in a healthy way). Life coaches do not have the intense training and supervision required to gain the advanced skills required to cope with these types of issues.
A few years ago I was on vacation in Utah at a spa. One evening, I was listening to a presentation by a life coach on how to overcome life’s obstacles (or something to that effect). Someone raised their hand and spoke about how hard it’s been to carry on with life since their spouse died last year. Immediately red flags raised in my mind, as they would in any other formally trained clinician. Unfortunately, not so much for the life coach. Instead, the presenter breezily said something to the effect that we must get over the bad things in life to get on with the good. Horrified, I sought out the widow after the talk was over to make sure she was OK. She told me she didn’t appreciate the life coach’s remark, that it was very insensitive and made her feel bad about feeling bad about her loss. I was glad I was there that night, because I was able to briefly explain that people just don’t “get over” a loss that painful, and that it would take a very long time, and did she have support, etc. See what I mean? I’m sure that life coach meant well, but she just hurt somebody by not understanding the limits of her own expertise, and not understanding enough about mental health to know what questions to ask and how to refer! Rather, in her ignorance, she just papered over someone else’s pain. And that widow didn’t pay money for this type of treatment, especially when she can get it out in the world everyday for free.
And, please, before I get hate mail from life coaches- I’m not saying they don’t have value. Sure they do. But before you use a life coach, you may want to ask if they work with a licensed mental health counselor, and how they decide whether or not to refer someone. If you get any kind of vague answer, I would recommend finding another one. As the objective professional, the life coach has the lion’s share of the responsibility in figuring out whether or not they are qualified to help you with your issues.
What to Look for in a Counselor
So, you’ve decided you’d like to see a counselor. Now what? Do a google search and you are faced with what seems like hundreds of counselors. Actually, there are about 400 licensed mental health counselors in Florida alone. So, how to pick one?
What most therapists won’t tell you, probably because they don’t keep up with research, is that about 40% of counseling outcome is a result of the strength of the therapist/client relationship. Yes, you have a relationship with your counselor just like you do with anyone else in your life. But this relationship is different (watch the video on the main page of my website for more details on this). Anyway, the point is: being a relationship, it’s important that you feel comfortable and trust, just like you would in any of your other relationships. The outcome of your therapy depends on it.
But, first things first. You have to find a counselor out of the hundreds. Based on my clinical experience, and what clients have reported, I have created the following list of things to look for when selecting a counselor:
- The first question is, are you using insurance? Do they offer mental health coverage? If so, you can use the following list to help you narrow down your choices from the providers your insurance carrier offers. Cautionary: please see previous blog on hazards of utilizing your insurance.
- In order to start filtering down, start with credentials. If you’re looking for relationship therapy, you are going to want a therapist trained in this modality, which is completely different than individual therapy. It differs from state to state, for example, in the state of Florida licensure for a marriage and family therapist is separate from an individual counselor. If you’re having sexual issues, look for a sex therapist, which is a licensed professional with specialized training in sexuality. Research appears to indicate that many counselors are unprepared to deal with their client’s sexual issues, even if they say that they can. So check the credentials.
- From there, see if the counselor has a picture and/or a video. Do they have a website? If so, check the biography under the “About Me” page. Not all therapists are tech savvy, so if this is important to you, you’ve just automatically filtered down your list even more. Don’t overthink it. If you can’t picture telling this person your deepest and darkest secrets then move on. If you can’t tell an inanimate picture, you probably will feel uncomfortable in person. And therapy won’t work.
- Next, look for recommendations. Most people you know probably aren’t going to tell you of the great therapist they just saw! So search online for client ratings, or see if the therapist has any testimonials posted. This should help you narrow down your search even more.
- Next, check for location. If it’s going to be difficult for you to drive over to see your counselor, you’ll be less likely to go. And that’s not good. Make sure there is ample parking, and you feel comfortable with the location, both geographically and the interior office.
- Last, check their office policies and fees to make sure they are fair to you and that you understand them. Most therapists will charge you for your appointment if you cancel within 24 hours. It’s important to understand these types of things before engaging their services.
Once you have found one:
- Do you feel comfortable talking to this person? Do they seem to understand you without judgement?
- Don’t tolerate a therapist who is perpetually late. Your time is just as valuable as theirs.
- Does the counselor do their homework? Good clinical practice standards dictate that counselors take notes on all of their sessions, and review them prior to your next visit. Is your counselor doing this, or does it seem like every time they see you it’s for the first time?
- Is there a direction, and goals to therapy or do you seem to just be aimlessly discussing the week’s events?
- Does your counselor ask to speak and consult with other professionals you are involved with, for example your psychiatrist?
- For even more tips, check out this article on the elements of good therapy.
Remember, even though your therapist is the expert, don’t be afraid to demand the best. Change therapists if you need to. It’s your right.
Can Spending Money Really Make You Happy?
Can spending money really make you happy? Ask any woman, and of course…well, you know the answer. Shoes, lipstick, a new outfit. It’s in our DNA. Ask any man, and…well, you know. He’ll reflexively check his wallet.
But can buying things really make us happy? Well…sort of. If we are purchasing an experience rather than a material item.
It turns out, what really makes us happy is buying experiences! Dinner instead of shoes! A show instead of lipstick! A hiking vacation instead of a new outfit! OK, ladies- one, two, three…”Say WHAT?!”
According to a study by Ryan Howell at the San Francisco State University, people who purchase experiences instead of things have greater life satisfaction and well-being. Particulary extraverts. But everyone needs a balance, including introverts. Most people think it’s things that will make them happy, but really, they need both. Things AND experiences.
The upshot? Experiencing new things together will help increase your intimacy with your partner. According to John Gottman, relationship expert and researcher, experiencing new activities together will enrich your marriage. And who doesn’t want that?
P.S. If you don’t, maybe it’s time to see a counselor.
Can You Go to Couples Therapy Alone?
What if you’re having marriage problems and your husband doesn’t want to go to therapy? Can you go to couples therapy alone? According to a recent article in the Wall Street Journal, yes you should!
Couples therapy is very effective for relationship problems because both partners have the opportunity to understand the dysfunctional patterns and dynamics of their relationship. By addressing both sides of the equation, progress can be made much more quickly. But each party must be willing to look at his or her own behavior, and how it contributes to the relationship dysfunction. If they cannot, then the couples session rapidly turns into a ping pong match of blame. Guess what? Not taking responsibility for your contribution to the problem is not going to make your partner more cooperative and willing to make the changes you deem necessary. Rather, he or she will likely become more defensive, and before you know it you are paying a counselor a lot of money to hear you fight just like you do at home. Not helpful.
That’s why interspersing individual therapy with couples therapy can be very effective. A lot of counselors won’t do this because it complicates things; it can create alliances and make one partner feel “left out”. Confidentiality also gets stickier: what if one partner tells you they are having an affair? However, when managed properly, adding individual sessions to the couples modality can be very beneficial. A few years back when I started doing this I noticed I got a lot more information a lot more quickly, and was able to be much more effective in the joint sessions. Yes, it’s trickier to manage but the client ultimately benefits. And that’s really what this is all about!
If your partner is not willing to go at all, then by all means go yourself. If you are willing to be honest about your behavior, and be vulnerable enough to admit where you are wrong, you can still see results from individual therapy focused on relationship issues. Once your partner starts to see changes, he or she will probably be more willing to participate with you, which will enhance the results you’ve already received from the individual therapy. Furthermore, a good therapist can uncover unhealthy beliefs, attitudes and patterns of behavior within yourself that you may have been unaware of. Even if this relationship doesn’t work out, you’ll want your next one to, right? By addressing internal dysfunction you greatly increase the likelihood that you will not only attract, but be able to keep, an emotionally healthier and more compatible mate.
Depression- What You Need to Know Right Now
According to a recent study described in the ScienceDaily (January 2012), cognitive behavioral and psychodynamic therapy helps those with a 
depressive personality just as effectively as those without. According to the article 44% of the population have depressive personality traits. This study is important because it suggests that those with a lower level of depression, but chronic, can benefit from talk therapy. It also adds to the evidence base showing that cognitive behavioral therapy is effective for depression.
For someone with depression, it may be much more difficult to seek help. And not just because of the usual- shame, embarrassment, fear of talking to a stranger, etc. But because people with depression have difficulty mobilizing in ways people without cannot understand. Having depression is like walking around all day with a heavy wet blanket draped over your head and body. The world looks dark, and it is difficult to move. In fact, it’s simply easier to stay in one place and hide underneath the blanket. Unfortunately, that’s the last thing you should do. Yes, I’m talking to you.
What should you do? Call a mental health professional today and make an appointment. You’ll feel much better. And then keep the appointment. Do what the therapist suggests. And if you don’t like the therapist? Find another one. Keep searching until you find one you trust and are comfortable with. Studies show about 40% of therapeutic change is a result of the strength of the therapist and client relationship. So call today!
What Your Psychiatrist Doesn’t Want You to Know About Depression
According to a recent article in Psychotherapy Networker (January/February 2012) by Andrew Weil, there really isn’t any evidence that SSRIs are 
effective, and furthermore, doctors really don’t understand how they work. Why is this? The answer, as is true with many things in life, is “follow the money”. Drug companies make huge profits everyday by prescribing these types of drugs to people. Therefore, those in the medical field do not have an incentive to research or focus on data that indicates SSRIs may not be effective.
According to Weil, the most recent analysis published in JAMA (Journal of the American Medical Association) rates the effects of SSRIs as “nonexistent to negligible”. In fact, much of the perceived effectiveness has to do with the placebo effect- the idea that if you’re doing something, anything to help your depression you will feel better, so your depression will lift. The truth is that the medical community does not really understand the role that seratonin plays in depression. They know it does, but they don’t understand the mechanism of how it works. Scary, right?
Yet there are doctors everyday, including general practitioners (even scarier!) prescribing these pills to people Now, I’m not saying that they don’t have any value…I’m just suggesting that caution should be in order; buyer beware because the medical doctors generally won’t. You need to be your own best advocate in your health care!
What DOES work for depression? Many studies show that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is effective. Altering your thoughts and perceptions will eventually make you feel better. Now, for a person with depression that is a very difficult thing to do. And, if you’re really depressed, perhaps SSRIs can actually be helpful. But make sure you go to a qualified doctor, preferably a psychiatrist who keeps up with all of the latest research. And, if you’re going to go on meds, combine it with talk therapy. There is research suggesting that meds combined with talk therapy is more effective than just meds alone. So find a good therapist, too. The good news? Depression is one of the most treatable mental illnesses!
Chart Your Own Course
Recently I attended a lunch where Pam Iorio, former mayor of my home city, Tampa, spoke. She said something absolutely brilliant that she should patent: “Chart your own course.” Only I hope she hasn’t yet because I want to use it in this post.
So you need to know where you are going. What are your biggest goals? Are your current day-to-day activities meeting these goals?
Only you hold the steering wheel of your life. Others may try to direct you. If you don’t chart your own course, others will. Do you really want other people determining the direction of your life?
As Ms. Iorio states, she had five strategic goals during her tenure, and said “no” to any activity that didn’t support these five goals. How do I remember that she had five? She repeated it at least four times in her speech. This woman knows her course.
I reflect upon this as I sit here this morning trying to figure out what to do first. Just this morning alone, I had two places I needed to be at the same time. I had to ask myself, which activity most directly supports my goals? And, I had to let one of them go. Unfortunately it was the “fun” one. Then, immediately after that, I received two invitations for two things that sound great, but don’t directly contribute to my goals. Yep, “no” to both of those as well.
I then started thinking about all of the times I say “no.” It’s frequent. I usually feel somewhat guilty…but I cannot be in two places at the same time, and I cannot say yes to every invitation that comes along or I won’t make progress toward what is important to ME. I also need down time. Yes, down time contributes to my long-term goals because it allows me to recharge and go on to accomplish more.
So, what are your goals? Are you charting your own course, or allowing others to lead you? Do you spend your time reacting to other people’s demands, or making your own?
Now, back to that dissertation I’ve been postponing…
Differing Sexual Desires: A Radio Interview with CounselorBarb
In my first radio broadcast, I am interviewed by Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird on sexual desire, particularly differing sexual drives between partners. I cite research, as well as provide suggestions for bridging this divide. Listen now: 
My latest article in Tampa Woman Magazine
It’s that time again! Please check out my latest article in Tampa Woman Magazine on communication. It is on page 10 of the September/October issue.
Insurance: A possible violation of privacy
People ask me all of the time if I accept insurance. The answer is “no”. I have many reasons for this, with most of them centered around my clients’ well-being.
One of the major reasons I don’t accept insurance is that I would need to code you, as my client, with a psychological disorder. This is required by the insurance companies. Yes, I have to not only tell them that you are “crazy”, but what type of “crazy”. But it doesn’t stop there. This diagnosis goes into your permanent medical records, which are supposed to be kept confidential. However, as we know, technology is a lot of wonderful things; secure and confidential not always among those wonderful things. For every password-protected system there is a hacker who has made it his/her personal mission to enter. Just the fact that your records are “out there” places you at additional risk. Not to mention the legal and legitimate searches, which means you could get denied coverage in the future for a “pre-existing condition”. To sum it up, the diagnosis is permanently and centrally recorded, and could therefore be discovered by others.
Yet, even I was surprised to read about CNN’s Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen, who discovered that ALL of her private medical information was actually online! Yep, it was all on the internet! All it took was her social security number, birthday, and address. Right there in black and white was every medical diagnosis and treatment from 2003! According to Dr. Steven Schwaltzberg, associate professor of surgery at Harvard Medical School, “There is more information out there about people than could ever possibly be realized.”
So, my refusal to accept insurance is in great part to help you protect information you may not have known required protection.
For CNN’s full article click here.
Trusting Your Gut
I had an interesting experience yesterday I would like to share.
Like women do every day in the U.S., I made an appointment to talk to a new hairstylist. I was considering switching, and wanted to talk with the new one before doing so.
Within five minutes, I began to feel odd. Uncomfortable. Almost surreal. The place had a weird energy- there was no reception area, there was nowhere to wait, and I had to search around to find who I was looking for. Stop being such a snob, I told myself.
But then it got a bit stranger. I started to feel uncomfortable with the person. I’m not sure if it was the disjointed speech, the slightly disheveled appearance or the fact that this person’s hair looked bad. Really bad.
Never trust a skinny cook, a poor stockbroker or a hairdresser with bad hair.
Still, I doubted myself. The longer I spent with this person, the more uncomfortable I became. I felt disconnected, out-of-place. I could not follow what was being said. The topic jumped back and forth from hair color to where I lived and worked and what nationality I was. These questions are too intrusive, I thought. Still, I did not get up to leave. Why? I doubted my gut.
Walking out to my car, I just had this really bad feeling. I thought, this is silly. What do I have to be upset about? Then I realized. It was my gut telling me not to go back to that hairstylist. The more I considered the facts (the inordinate amount of time it would take, the fact that this stylist had lots of openings and they were still in school, the inappropriate conversation) I realized an amazing thing: My gut was correct! My gut has always been correct! Whenever I have listened to it, I have never been sorry.
At least when I verify it. I never listen to my gut without verification.
So, what does all of this have to do with you?
Listen to your gut. Then verify.
When you visit a counselor, whether it’s me or someone else, pay attention to how you feel when you are around that person. Don’t just look at the credentials on the wall or the price. If you get that “bad feeling”, ask yourself: is this person really listening? Do they care? Does their style of communication fit with mine (does the conversation feel comfortable)? Are they focused or do they seem distracted? Do they change topics suddenly and seem to forget what they have just told you?
If your “bad feelings” are verified with observable facts, don’t go back. Find another counselor. Keep looking until you find one you feel comfortable talking to. Research shows that the counseling relationship accounts for approximately 40% of the outcome. If you don’t have a good relationship with your counselor, your chances of success are already down to 60%. Why do that to yourself? The work you do in counseling is difficult enough without adding an artificial challenge. So…listen to your gut. Then verify.
Taking Care of Yourself
Not quite in time for Mother’s Day…but here is my latest article in Tampa Woman. It may surprise you a little!
Psychotherapy Myths
Psychotherapy myths abound. People think they have to be “crazy”, that it takes a really long time and is really expensive, and that there is a stigma attached to receiving counseling. But, in reality, there are more benefits and positives to receiving therapy than negatives:
Removing Emotional Clutter
Just in time for spring cleaning, here’s an article on how to de-clutter your emotional life, page 8. Enjoy!
